Coping with grief

[dgm6769]

My mum died in 2005. If anyone can have a ‘good death’ she had one. We said everything to each other we wanted to say, and when the end came it was relatively quick. But bloody hell, I was angry. All these unemployed layabouts. Petty bloody criminals. Wasters. They were alive and my mum was dead.

How could that possibly be right?

You’ll be having exactly those thoughts. Don’t think they’re wrong. They’re not, they’re natural. So don’t feel guilty.

I can only offer you what every other person on the forum will offer: condolences and – I think blokes can say it to each other now – love.

As I say, take good care of yourself.

I had that thought within a few hours of her passing just only of a woman in my street who I'd classify as well as the street that she is scum of the earth and still have that feeling, I don't think that will ever change when I can compare the 2 women and think why the **** was it my wife.
Don't get me wrong I wouldn't wish it upon anyone but **** me why us .

 

[greg]

Thinking of you, I hope you can find the strength inside of yourself to get through these special times.
She sounds like a remarkable woman, full of love .
Best of everything

 

[tonto]

Thank you all.
I've looked on the mix a few times since but it felt too raw to post it or thought it had nothing to do with a football forum but after having to deal with a lot of paperwork, on online forms and arrangements sorted. A weeks delay on doing anything at all because our useless gp left the form on his desk Monday to Friday and only my persistent calls to them he actually sent it on the following Monday so I could finally get a death certificate to start arrangements.
A calm has appeared with the help of family and friends of course but most of all from work, we both work for the same mental health place and they have been unbelievable, from the managers both are incredible humans to just popping in and sitting with work mates and residents for an hour taking my mind off everything else but also this site when just mopping around the house I'll catch up with a cuppa because unlike 99% of things that i now have no interest in what so ever like tv somehow reading up about this club of ours still holds it ( I broke when watching Neves vid and I don't mind admitting it).
Thank you all again and Mutchy for moving it .

I lost my wife to cancer 2019 I just try to feel she is still with me, sometimes it is a comfort but the pain is still there .
Hope you are coping ,the old saying one day at a time
Good luck

 

[Tezthewolvesfan]

So sorry for loss pal, I've been through similar with my family. Strength of the wolf is in the pack, always here if you need a natter.

 

[1972 i began]

Condolences to you and your wife’s family.A sad place you may be in now,but your memories will keep you strong.

 

[wanderer89]

My sincerest apologies, my thoughts are with you.

 

[topcat99]

My thoughts are with you. My late wife was a geriatric consultant for many years and care of the elderly was in her blood.

She died after a short illness in her late 40’s and life seemed bleak and pointless. But things change and life moves on. She would have wanted it that way.

My granddaughter was born 12 months later and is the spitting image of her grandmother.
I’m remarried with adopted daughters.
She would be proud.

Your wife will have been proud of you too.

Love to you and yours.

It does get better

 

[Soho Wolf]

Thinking of you mate. The whole situation is ****, there's no other word for it. Deepest condolences to you and your nearest and dearest. I know it sounds like a real cliche but time is a great healer. Each day that passes might be that little bit easier. Stay strong mate.

 

[Kashmire Hawker]

Deepest sympathy and condolences to you @dgm6769 and even if she is no longer here, know you have a lifetime of cherished memories.

And having lost my brother 18 months ago today, give yourself as much time as you need.

We are all here for you.

 

[MasWolf]

I'm so sorry to hear this. My thoughts go to you and your family.

 

[Wolf 82]

Deepest condolences to you - what a heartbreaking time. I am sure her spirit and work will live on in you and your family.

 

[Bugsy911]

So sorry and condolences for your loss.

 

[Mugwump]

Some of youi may know my wife was suffering from pancreatic cancer plus secondary cancer.
My world shattered 3 weeks ago when she passed in my arms in our own bed very quickly, peacefully and pain free.
Devastated, heartbroken come no where near how I feel after losing my soul mate of 31 years , only her loving words on how I should live my life after she passed and how she wanted me to live my life keep me going through the struggle of everything at the moment .
Life can be so ****ing cruel, sick and just evil at times to take someone who so many people loved, a woman who went out her way to make other folks lives better became a mental health worker after years of caring for the elderly because she had that thing that within 5 minutes of meeting her it was though you'd known her for years and could always raise the spirits of anyone meeting her ,she kept her smile and cheerfulness till her last breath .
And she was a huge Wolves fan who probably watched more football then i did I'd sulk when we were playing bad or behind and wanted to switch over but not her even 2 nil down in the 88 minute she had belief we could snatch a point.

So sorry for your loss and I'm thinking of you and your family.

Coping is difficult and it can drag you down. My Brother died a few years ago from a brain tumour it was very ,very difficult. I still miss him every day. The best thing I did was choose not to be angry or bitter about him being gone so early in his life. I just remember the fun and good times we had and that I was lucky to have him in my life.

 

[crocos]

Really sorry to hear your news, dgm6769.

I've little to add beyond what folk have said here, but would echo what for instance Bacon Sandwich & Topcat69 have said - it is dreadful and then some, and there's so much to process etc; but there does, eventually, come a time after the pain & misery & anger where, certainly in my experience - my dad at the same age as your wife some years back, and our first son a few years ago - you do come to learn to live with it and heal a bit. That in itself can be difficult too - I don't deserve to be happy etc.

My dad died at home in our arms too, just after dawn on a grey October morning, and later that morning I had to go out and get some food in etc for us all. I vividly remember raging inside myself at people going about their everyday business. Don't they know what's happened today? Why my dad and not that waster over there? Etc etc. I was in a parallel universe for quite some time.

It will settle, and good things & times will happen again.

Love & thoughts to you & your people.

 

[Bryce]

Some of youi may know my wife was suffering from pancreatic cancer plus secondary cancer.
My world shattered 3 weeks ago when she passed in my arms in our own bed very quickly, peacefully and pain free.
Devastated, heartbroken come no where near how I feel after losing my soul mate of 31 years , only her loving words on how I should live my life after she passed and how she wanted me to live my life keep me going through the struggle of everything at the moment .
Life can be so ****ing cruel, sick and just evil at times to take someone who so many people loved, a woman who went out her way to make other folks lives better became a mental health worker after years of caring for the elderly because she had that thing that within 5 minutes of meeting her it was though you'd known her for years and could always raise the spirits of anyone meeting her ,she kept her smile and cheerfulness till her last breath .
And she was a huge Wolves fan who probably watched more football then i did I'd sulk when we were playing bad or behind and wanted to switch over but not her even 2 nil down in the 88 minute she had belief we could snatch a point.

My condolences
Horrible news

 

[Arcadius]

So sorry, my thoughts and prayers are with you.

 

[arctic rime]

May your wife now RIP xxx

 

[tonto]

Ain’t life a bitch sometimes, stay strong and hang in there to all who are suffering

 

[cannockwolves]

I am so sorry to hear your terrible news.

As many here know I lost my mom and dad in the space of seven weeks over Christmas and the new year. My mom had been ill for a while and had dementia. So, it was a peaceful release. The real shock was my dad. I went to pick him up for his tea after I got back from the Bournemouth home game and found him dead on his kitchen floor. My mom was 83 and my dad 86 and they had a great life, but in my dad's case I do feel cheated of a few years because he appeared so well.

I do understand the stress of making the arrangements, I had a similar issue in getting my dad's death certificate because the coroner was involved.

I can't imagine how it would feel to lose my wife. It's obviously sad to lose my mom and dad, but losing your wife must be so hard and my heart goes out to you mate.

My deepest condolences to you and your family.

 

[VancouverWolf]

Some of youi may know my wife was suffering from pancreatic cancer plus secondary cancer.
My world shattered 3 weeks ago when she passed in my arms in our own bed very quickly, peacefully and pain free.
Devastated, heartbroken come no where near how I feel after losing my soul mate of 31 years , only her loving words on how I should live my life after she passed and how she wanted me to live my life keep me going through the struggle of everything at the moment .
Life can be so ****ing cruel, sick and just evil at times to take someone who so many people loved, a woman who went out her way to make other folks lives better became a mental health worker after years of caring for the elderly because she had that thing that within 5 minutes of meeting her it was though you'd known her for years and could always raise the spirits of anyone meeting her ,she kept her smile and cheerfulness till her last breath .
And she was a huge Wolves fan who probably watched more football then i did I'd sulk when we were playing bad or behind and wanted to switch over but not her even 2 nil down in the 88 minute she had belief we could snatch a point.

So sorry to read about your loss but it’s all about your valid pain too. Deep, deep grief is horrible and it won’t fade anytime soon…….but it will somewhat.
If I may offer a bit of advice……try to keep moving, whether it be walks in the woods, beach or in my case, in the malls. There is so much activity in malls and colours and distractions that it gives your mind a little bit of respite from your hurt…….not entirely of course but it will dilute it a bit.
Wash your car, cut the grass and do visit her favourite places, listen to her music etc…..keep moving and allow yourself to feel the pain. Being stoic is silly…..let it out.
Go easy on the booze as it’s a depressant.


from this morning‘s. Guardian……

The love of my life has died. How can I ever be free to live again?​

The love of my life has died. How can I ever be free to live again? | Ask Philippa

It’s possible to honour the memory of your lost love, while also finding happiness elsewhere

www.theguardian.com

 

[Kebab Warrior]

So sorry for you

 

[Sheffield Wolf]

Sending you my condolences at this difficult time.

 

[SilverstoneWolf]

Stay strong and keep talking to keep her memory alive. Afraid there is no logic or reason or fairness in who is taken and who is not; but I am sorry to say that ‘life’ has never been ‘fair’ and is unlikely ever to be. All we can do is enjoy our short time on this planet and keep in our hearts all those who make the lives of others the better for knowing them.

 

[Oh Robbie Robie]

I am so sorry to read this and of the pain you feel. I have no idea how you must feel as losing the person you most cherished is entirely different to losing a parent or other closely loved relative. All I can say is that each human deals with this in their own way and that the anguish doesn't really disappear. All you can do is continue to live your life and know that other humans, such as your Wolves family, care about you and that we are all thinking about you. My message to you would be to lean into that and use it as a distraction from the grief as much as you feel able. God bless you and your family.

 

[North West Wanderer]

Some of youi may know my wife was suffering from pancreatic cancer plus secondary cancer.
My world shattered 3 weeks ago when she passed in my arms in our own bed very quickly, peacefully and pain free.
Devastated, heartbroken come no where near how I feel after losing my soul mate of 31 years , only her loving words on how I should live my life after she passed and how she wanted me to live my life keep me going through the struggle of everything at the moment .
Life can be so ****ing cruel, sick and just evil at times to take someone who so many people loved, a woman who went out her way to make other folks lives better became a mental health worker after years of caring for the elderly because she had that thing that within 5 minutes of meeting her it was though you'd known her for years and could always raise the spirits of anyone meeting her ,she kept her smile and cheerfulness till her last breath .
And she was a huge Wolves fan who probably watched more football then i did I'd sulk when we were playing bad or behind and wanted to switch over but not her even 2 nil down in the 88 minute she had belief we could snatch a point.

i can’t think of any words that will offer anything more then this wonderful group have already.
my thoughts are with you and your family,
and i wish you all the very best going forward.
She sounds like an awesome wife. take care buddy.

 

[A wanderer from Bristol]

So sorry for your loss dgm, it sounds so very painful.

Keep reaching out to friends for support. Grief needs to be expressed, and we need people around us to help us to come through the worst of it

I've worked in counselling and mental health for many years. Sounds like i have that in common with you and your wife. As others have also offered, please feel free to dm. Sometimes it's easier to talk to strangers at such times

Look after yourself

 

[oldgolded]

I don't know you, but I feel an affinity with all Wolves fans.
Please accept my sincere condolences.

 

[LosgallardosWolf]

Some of youi may know my wife was suffering from pancreatic cancer plus secondary cancer.
My world shattered 3 weeks ago when she passed in my arms in our own bed very quickly, peacefully and pain free.
Devastated, heartbroken come no where near how I feel after losing my soul mate of 31 years , only her loving words on how I should live my life after she passed and how she wanted me to live my life keep me going through the struggle of everything at the moment .
Life can be so ****ing cruel, sick and just evil at times to take someone who so many people loved, a woman who went out her way to make other folks lives better became a mental health worker after years of caring for the elderly because she had that thing that within 5 minutes of meeting her it was though you'd known her for years and could always raise the spirits of anyone meeting her ,she kept her smile and cheerfulness till her last breath .
And she was a huge Wolves fan who probably watched more football then i did I'd sulk when we were playing bad or behind and wanted to switch over but not her even 2 nil down in the 88 minute she had belief we could snatch a point.

Sort for your loss

 

[JOSWolf]

Some of youi may know my wife was suffering from pancreatic cancer plus secondary cancer.
My world shattered 3 weeks ago when she passed in my arms in our own bed very quickly, peacefully and pain free.
Devastated, heartbroken come no where near how I feel after losing my soul mate of 31 years , only her loving words on how I should live my life after she passed and how she wanted me to live my life keep me going through the struggle of everything at the moment .
Life can be so ****ing cruel, sick and just evil at times to take someone who so many people loved, a woman who went out her way to make other folks lives better became a mental health worker after years of caring for the elderly because she had that thing that within 5 minutes of meeting her it was though you'd known her for years and could always raise the spirits of anyone meeting her ,she kept her smile and cheerfulness till her last breath .
And she was a huge Wolves fan who probably watched more football then i did I'd sulk when we were playing bad or behind and wanted to switch over but not her even 2 nil down in the 88 minute she had belief we could snatch a point.

I am so sorry for your loss mate.

 

[WickedWolfie]

My condolences @dgm6769. It sounds like you had the privilege of spending most of your adult life with a wonderful lady (may she RIP). I know that it will be hard at times but you owe it to her, and to yourself, to live the best life that you can. Honour her memory by continuing to be the man who she loved and who supported her when she most needed it.

The pack has lost one of its finest.

 

[berwickwolf]

My condolences for your loss.
It is impossible to put into words one's sympathy and care for someone going through such pain. But you can see from the posts how we all are sending love and a massive hug and that's important because you're not alone. Take time with your family and friends and hold eachother close. I guess we send these messages because we care and because we know. All best wishes.

 

[TheConcourse]

Really felt your emotion when reading @dgm6769. Absolutely gutted for you.

The closest person that I’ve lost was Dad - really tough - even two years on.

One thing that I’ve tried in the first few months after his death was throwing myself into less familiar situations to try and establish new hobbies:

- Spanish lessons
- Piano
- Listening to more Audiobooks to develop skills

It’s not necessarily about blocking the noise out, but more a motivation to show our lost loved ones that you’re going to achieve as much as possible in their honour - and your own.

Your wife sounded like a wonderful woman. She wouldn’t want you to live a sombre life my friend.

Always open to chat if you need.

 

[Wagstaffe Was Magic]

My sincere condolences on your great loss.

Your words are touching and full of love!!

May the happy memories you undoubtedly have of happy times together, sustain you in the days to come

Rest in peace, for ever a Wolf

 

[Netherton Wolf]

So sorry to hear this, I remember contacting you about Yr new job/career and you mentioned your beautiful wife had pancreatic cancer, its an awful disease & one of the worst cancers to have as by the time symptoms Show its too late, like many others on here my family have been decimated by cancer, nan at 43, cousin at 36, plus many aunts & uncles and close friends , nearly all in their 50s. My beautiful niece died aged 23 , during covid, none of us have come to terms with her death yet. There really is no cure for grief, deal with it In the best way that feels right for you, scream, shout, cry but try not to bottle it up. Also don't make any big decisions in the first 12 months (my friend but the house on the market within 3 months of her hubby dying as she couldn't bear to be there without him, she bitterly regrets it), so take a step back before making any decisions re your future, and don't be afraid to seek any help that you feel you need, wether it be financial/practical or emotional, sit back take stock but don't lock yourself away and as you know you can come and vent on here anytime you like there's always someone who will listen, take care xxx

 

[Golden Arrow]

My heart goes out to you right now, and I send my sincere heartfelt condolences to you, your family and friends.

Having lost both parents and a brother I know how diificult it is to see brighter times ahead.
But you will come through it and carry with you many loving and happy memories of the times you had together, and feel blessed that you were the chosen one for your wife.

Sending you much positive and healing energy my friend, the Mixers will be with you on your journey ahead.

 

[wallace]

As inadequate as it is I send my condolences to you and your family, my wife has developed a secondary cancer and is currently having chemo treatment in the hope it will be controlled. Her first cancer in her breast was removed successfully 4 years ago before another formed in her other breast which was taken away but also had a stage 3 diagnosis. We are in our 70s now and been married 53 years, we met when we were 17 and 20 and have been inseperable since.

 

[Kennedy]

So sorry for your loss. I'm not going to attempt any advice or wisdom as I don't feel qualified.

Thanks for sharing, thanks for moving the article and thanks for the kind posts.

May she rest in peace.

 

[tonto]

As inadequate as it is I send my condolences to you and your family, my wife has developed a secondary cancer and is currently having chemo treatment in the hope it will be controlled. Her first cancer in her breast was removed successfully 4 years ago before another formed in her other breast which was taken away but also had a stage 3 diagnosis. We are in our 70s now and been married 53 years, we met when we were 17 and 20 and have been inseperable since.

Best of luck to you both

 

[DJLWolf]

Very sorry to hear and read this, mate.

After doing so, I'll be thinking of you today and wishing you the best.

Wolves ay we.

 

[MelbourneWolf]

Sorry for your loss mate. Thoughts with you from Oz.