empty thread...time go kill this now?

[Beer Wolf]

They say that masturbation is better with a dead arm.

It was at that point I was asked to leave the funeral .

 

[Guzeppi]

smile!

 

[VancouverWolf]

smile!

She is smiling.

 

[Beer Wolf]

I met a Chinese drug addict today.

He said " have you seen my cocaine"?

I replied " not since he was in Zulu".1

 

[Pagey]

Just got back from the gym, had to leave the treadmill today and use the bike.

The bloke next to me had put a water bottle in the Pringles holder- bloody weirdo.

 

[Tojo the grass]

I met a Chinese drug addict today.

He said " have you seen my cocaine"?

I replied " not since he was in Zulu".1

Took a few reads to get that one

 

[Beer Wolf]

Took a few reads to get that one

It seems you have a brain like mine.

 

[GeoffPalmersLeftBoot]

It seems you have a brain like mine.

What, shaped like a peanut?

 

[WolvTown]

Interesting fact.. if you measure your nostril using your little finger, the hand you write with will go into the same side nostril easier than the other one!!

 

[VancouverWolf]

Interesting fact.. if you measure your nostril using your little finger, the hand you write with will go into the same side nostril easier than the other one!!

It’s hardly interesting and your wrong.....lol

 

[VancouverWolf]

This is not a trick. I couldn’t lift the chair but women can. Try it and honour system, please.

 

[Ogerp]

“So Nurse, what were the patient's final words?”
“Nothing Doctor. His wife was with him to the very end.”

 

[Ogerp]

My wife says she's leaving me because she's never seen me sober...

I had no idea I was married.

 

[Ogerp]

I like my steaks rare.

Tonight I'm having panda.

 

[Ogerp]

Did you know people are getting paid to mention products on their social media accounts?

That's as crazy as the discounts at Ogerp's Furniture Emporium...

 

[Guzeppi]

Bump...
Because I'd rather read a joke.

 

[freezin]

Two cannibals eating a clown.
One turns to the other and says

"Does this taste funny to you?"

 

[Pagey]

I often confuse Australians and New Zealanders, by using long words

 

[Pagey]

Went into town last night, left my car in a multi storey carpark.
Returned to find someone had smashed my drivers window, and took a dump on my seat.

It was wrong on so many levels.

 

[Wagstaffe Was Magic]

A Clement Freud special .......

Back in the 60s an Australian man went into Fortnum and Mason on Piccadilly to buy an avocado pear. He was served by a man wearing a morning suit who handed him the avocado pear and said “ that will be 19 shillings please sir!”

“STRUETH!!!!! “ replied the Australian “you know what you can do with that avocado pear mate!!”

.... and the man in the morning suit replied “I’m awfully sorry sir but I’m already accommodating a melon at five pounds!!”

 

[Wednesbury Wolf]

My wife discovered my mistress’s fake boob implant in my bottom drawer. I told her I like to keep a breast of current affairs.

 

[Pagey]

When i was a kid, my mom used to let me put my pocket money, in her special money box under the stairs.

I was 14 before i found out it was the electric meter

 

[Sedgers]

My wife suggested we spice things up by playing doctors and nurses. So I put her on a trolley in the hallway and ignored her for 48 hours.

 

[Sedgers]

Paddy and Murphy sitting in traffic. Paddy says to Murphy "What would you do if a bird crapped on your windscreen?" Murphy says "Well I wouldn't take her out again."

 

[Wednesbury Wolf]

 

[Ogerp]

Why I'm divorced

Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning..

I went downstairs for breakfast
hoping my wife would be pleasant and say,
'Happy Birthday!',
and possibly have a small present for me.

As it turned out,
she barely said good morning,
let alone
' Happy Birthday.'

I thought....

Well, that's marriage for you,
but the kids....
They will remember.

My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast
and didn't say a word..
So when I left for the office,
I felt pretty low
and somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office,
my secretary Jane said,
'Good Morning Boss,
and by the way
Happy Birthday ! '
It felt a little better
that at least someone had remembered.

I worked until one o'clock ,
when Jane knocked on my door
and said, 'You know,
It's such a beautiful day outside,
and it is your Birthday,
what do you say we go out to lunch,
just you and me..'
I said, 'Thanks, Jane,
that's the greatest thing
I've heard all day.
Let's go !'

We went to lunch.
But we didn't go
where we normally would go.
She chose instead at a quiet bistro
with a private table.
We had two martinis each
and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.

On the way back to the office,
Jane said, 'You know,
It's such a beautiful day...
We don't need to go straight back to the office,
Do We ?'

I responded,
'I guess not.
What do you have in mind ?'
She said,
'Let's drop by my apartment,
it's just around the corner..'

After arriving at her apartment,
Jane turned to me and said,
' Boss, if you don't mind,
I'm going to step into the bedroom
for just a moment.
I'll be right back.'
'Ok.' I nervously replied.

She went into the bedroom and,
after a couple of minutes,
she came out
carrying a huge birthday cake ...
Followed
by my wife,
my kids,
and dozens of my friends
and co-workers,
all singing 'Happy Birthday'.


And I just sat there...

On the couch....

Naked, with my **** in my hand

 

[Ogerp]

I won a competition to name a local street - I'm going with 'Skin Road'

Just so I can laugh at the people at number 4.

 

[Ogerp]

I got my fathers double chin, receding hairline and big sticky-out ears....

It was the strangest will reading I've ever attended.

 

[Ogerp]

I said to the baker "All the rest of your cakes are 50p, so why is that one £1?"

He said "That's Madeira cake".

 

[VancouverWolf]

I have the body of a god....




Buddha

 

[VancouverWolf]

 

[Pagey]

Watched a documentary about necrophilia today.

It was dead boring.

 

[Pagey]

Blokes 15 year old daughter has been dating a 25 year old and he's getting more and more annoyed about the situation.

Hes brought a gun, and sat in the kitchen waiting for them to arrive.

The daughter walks in first, sees the gun and pleads with dad to give boyfriend a chance, as shes just found shes pregnant.

He follows in, and explains-
"I'm a millionaire, i have several businesses and property all over the world, you may chose any, and i will pay for you to visit any time of year, that you wish.
I love your daughter, and will provide for her for the rest of her life, any of my houses she likes we will call home.
If she has a girl i will treat her like a princess, she will never work and have anything she ever desired.
If she has a boy, i will teach him everything i know, give him my businesses and let him live like a king.

My only concern is, if she miscarried, i have no idea what i can do."


The dad picked up his gun, aimed at the boyfriend and replied-

"You'll **** her again!!!!!"

 

[Scott in the Sand]

Did you know, every year hippopotamuses kill more people than guns.

Mind you, it’s easier to conceal a gun.

 

[VancouverWolf]

After a snowfall Bob goes over to his neighbours house and complains to John. Bob was annoyed that his neighbour’s kid name was written in the snow in yellow.
John tells Bob that his kid is only 15 and boys sometimes are just being boys.

Bob get angry and shouts at John, “that’s my daughters handwriting!”.

 

[Jez]

I bet if this thread was deleted .... the signings would flood in

It’s jinxed us

 

[Wednesbury Wolf]

I just bought a low-energy light bulb. The sales assistant said: “Will you be putting it up yourself?” I said: “No, it’s going in the sitting room.”

 

[Ogerp]

If I make you breakfast in bed a simple thank you is all I need.

None of this 'How did you get in my house' nonsense.

 

[Ogerp]

Lost for centuries, volume 2 of the Irish Dancing Manual has finally been rediscovered.

It's titled "How to Move The Arms"

 

[Ogerp]

It's proving very difficult to find a shop selling "Left Guard" for my other armpit