empty thread...time go kill this now?

[Deleted member 4382]

Ethiopian bingo caller.

“Two fat ladies, 11”.

 

[Guzeppi]

Why Cropping Photos is sometimes necessary.

 

[Guzeppi]

Again.
Cropping called for.

 

[Guzeppi]

BUT:

Be careful What you crop.

 

[Frank Lincoln]

I went to the doctors and he said I had only 2 years to live, so I shot him.

The judge gave me 30 years...

 

[Ogerp]

Ohhhhhh, ok. Thanks mate but it’s quite a stretch, isn’t it.
I used to admire @Ogerp .....loved his stuff. But has he peaked? Three weeks ago he would never have posted that.

Lol, Ogerp, keep them coming. This waiting for transfer news is boring.

Thanks for the adv

 

[Scott in the Sand]

Why Cropping Photos is sometimes necessary.

Shouldn’t Big Willy be at Compton?

 

[Thank you Sir Jack]

Bloke in Brierley Hill just gone to bed. He hears a noise at the bottom of his garden. He discreetly takes a look and sees 2 masked blokes entering his garage. Discreetly again he rings the police on his mobile and tells them his story. "We can't spare anybody tonight, we'll send somebody in the morning."
He rings back10 mins. later, "you know those 2 blokes I told you about, well I've just shot 'em and my dogs are just finishing eating their bodies." Within 5 mins. there is a helicopter overhead, 6 squad cars and a SWAT team at his house. They arrest the 2 suspects.
"I thought you said that you had killed them?" said the commander of the SWAT team.
"I thought you said that you hadn't got anybody to spare?" said the householder.

 

[Boss Hogg]

I watched a documentary on Samuel Morse, but the ending was a bit telegraphed

 

[ricki herberts moustache]

Ah too bad, the thread was finally moved to the obscurity of the OT

How about we start banging on about Brexit on here now and see if we can get the thread move to the virtual death zone that is the political section

 

[Frank Lincoln]

I got into an elevator in a multi-storey car park, only to find that someone had changed all the floor numbers on the buttons.
It was wrong on so many levels.

 

[topcat99]

I read that one in five people are Chinese.

There are 5 people in my family so one must be Chinese . It’s definitely not me and probably not my mum or dad. It could be my brother Colin or my younger brother Han Wan Chung.

I think it’s Colin

 

[Thank you Sir Jack]

Two blokes fishing in a boat on a lake in Northern Ireland. A bottle floats by, one of them picks it up, takes out the cork and a genie appears.
"What is your wish?"
Chap looks around him and says, "turn this lake into Guinness. The genie duly obliges and floats off into the ether.
"What did you do that for?", says his mate.
"We're now going to have to **** in the boat"

 

[Wednesbury Wolf]

An elderly man lay dying in his bed. While suffering agonies on his way to his final moment, he suddenly smells the aroma of his favourite scones wafting up the stairs.
He gathered his remaining strength & lifted himself from the bed. Leaning on the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, gripping the wall; he slowly makes it to the kitchen.
There, piled on a tray are his favourite scones. Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his devoted Scottish wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in rumpled posture.
His aged & withered hand trembled towards a scone at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked by his wife with a wooden spoon.

“**** off!!” she said… “they’re for the funeral”.

 

[Beer Wolf]

I saw the New York Police Chief on the news today. He said " we will never forget 9 11".

I thought to myself I should hope not, it's your phone number .

 

[Pagey]

Convinced my eldest lad today, that the ring and ride service was a personal escort agency for pensioners.

 

[Frank Lincoln]

I have just invented a new game. Its called quiet tennis.

It's the same as normal tennis but without the racquet...

 

[derbyrameater]

Got a new Jack Russell pup today, he's mainly black and brown with just a small white area. I've called him Bradford.

Surprised you didn't get an Albino

 

[Wednesbury Wolf]

 

[Wednesbury Wolf]

 

[topcat99]

 

[Wednesbury Wolf]

 

[Wednesbury Wolf]

 

[Wednesbury Wolf]

This guy sat and played a varied selection of the classics in front of a Police riot squad today in Kiev.

 

[ricki herberts moustache]

There must be a few jokes flying about at the mo to do with The All Blacks?

 

[topcat99]

This guy sat and played a varied selection of the classics in front of a Police riot squad today in Kiev.

Reminds me of the guy from 3 Para who was singing a selection of Elvis songs whilst trapped in no mans land after getting shot in the ****. He did a few requests as well.

 

[Ogerp]

If smoking's so bad for you how does it cure kippers?

 

[Ogerp]

My wife's an animal in bed.

Pity it's a sloth.

 

[Ogerp]

Funeral costs are so bloody expensive these days.

At my mother-in-law's, after paying for the bouncy castle and pony rides, we could barely afford the face-painting.

 

[Ogerp]

I was at a bar the other day when all of a sudden, the bartender yelled, "ANYONE KNOWS CPR?"

I yelled back,"I KNOW THE ENTIRE ALPHABET", and everyone laughed and laughed and laughed.

Well, except for this one guy.

 

[topcat99]

My wife is a massive fan of the monkees

She asked if we could go and see them perform in Switzerland. I refused

Then I saw her face ....... now I’m in Geneva

 

[Wednesbury Wolf]

 

[Ogerp]

I remember going to see Dr. Hook in the 70s.

Worst prostate exam ever

 

[Ogerp]

I was having a sneaky pee in the deep end of the swimming pool that when the life guard blew his whistle so loudly I nearly fell in

 

[Ogerp]

I asked my doctor if it was OK for me to have dirty, energetic sex at 66.
He said it was fine.
Great news 'cos I only live at 58.

 

[Ogerp]

Son: Daddy, how did my sister get her name?
Dad: Well, Teresa is an anagram of Easter, and Mummy just loves Easter.
Son: Thanks Daddy.
Dad: No problem Alan

 

[VancouverWolf]

My wife is a massive fan of the monkees

She asked if we could go and see them perform in Switzerland. I refused

Then I saw her face ....... now I’m in Geneva

Dang.....I hate to admit it but this made me laugh......as it did my wife.

 

[VancouverWolf]

I was having a sneaky pee in the deep end of the swimming pool that when the life guard blew his whistle so loudly I nearly fell in

Which reminds of .....

 

[ricki herberts moustache]

 

[topcat99]

I remember going to see Dr. Hook in the 70s.

Worst prostate exam ever

I went for my annual check up yesterday. It was all going well until he stuck his finger up my ****.

Do you think that I should change dentists ?