<div class="track"><img alt="" src="http://hits.guardian.co.uk/b/ss/guardiangu-feeds/1/H.22.2/8669?ns=guardian&pageName=The+Fiver+%7C+Nothing+Ever+Happens+On+A+Friday+%7C+Scott+Murray%3AArticle%3A1654316&ch=Football&c3=GU.co.uk&c4=Football%2CSport&c5=&c6=Scott+Murray&c7=11-Oct-28&c8=1654316&c9=Article&c10=Feature&c11=Football&c13=The+Fiver+%28series%29&c25=&c30=content&h2=GU%2FFootball%2F" width="1" height="1" /></div><p class="standfirst"><a href="http://bit.ly/9gwaJ4" title="">Click here to have the Fiver sent to your inbox every weekday at 5pm, or if your usual copy has stopped arriving</a></p><h2>STOP FRIDAY: A DECONSTRUCTIONIST FIVER GOES A STEP TOO FAR, A MOVE WHICH MAY LEAD TO 'STOP FIVER'</h2><p></p><p>Regular readers of the Fiver – i.e. folk who have been so broken by life that they can't summon the energy to click the unsubscribe link at the bottom, though it's not difficult, you can do it, go on, get out from under the quilt, muster the energy, muster the energy to click the unsubscribe link at the bottom – may remember a tired old riff we used to trot out every so often on quiet news days called Big News. Big News was "the Fiver's non-stop, rolling latest news and breaking ticker service", a device which enabled the Fiver to pad out that day's email with some shenanigans.</p><p></p><p>In the May 1 2007 edition, for example, the Fiver bashed company property (specifically a malfunctioning Big News ticker) about with its fists, smoked a cigarette, drank several bottles of Fistfight (the 63.8% ABV blended-whisky-flavoured turps beverage), filed the sort of shoddy copy that would shame a six year old, burst into tears and watched quietly as men in brown overalls and bowler hats cleared the Fiver's desk of personal effects. No news, y'see. Andriy Shevchenko was injured ahead of Chelsea's Big Cup game at Liverpool, and that was about it. A savage satire on modern media mores, we're sure you will agree.</p><p></p><p>The Fiver's in a similar boat today, dear quilt-bound reader. Not a great deal going on. This has been a recurring theme on Fridays for a while now. Nothing ever happens on a Friday. A few press conferences here and there, but really, we won't insult your intelligence. So the Fiver's been thinking: perhaps it's time to STOP FRIDAY. Admittedly it's otherwise the most popular day of the week, but to be honest two Mondays would suit us better, there's always too much to do after the weekend. So, anyone fancy in on our little scheme? You'll lose that Friday booze blowout, which will be regrettable, but on the other hand never again will you have to trawl through three paragraphs of filler just to find out that Gordon Taylor has defended the PFA's actions in forcing Manchester City to cut Carlos Tevez's fine to two weeks, as it's in accordance with the law so stop moaning you right-wing scumbags. (We paraphrase.)</p><p></p><p>We all agreed on this, then?</p><p></p><p><em>[THE MAN hoves into view wielding a plank of 12x2 with some bent nails poking out of one end. Behind him are two gentlemen in brown overalls and bowler hats, one of whom is carrying an empty box]</em></p><p></p><h2>QUOTE OF THE DAY No1</h2><p></p><p>"These are not just any prawn sandwiches. These are Chelsea FC prawn sandwiches! Bespoke seasonal packages tailormade to suit your requirements for just £85 + VAT per game" - Chelsea use an advert on the London Underground to announce that they've given up pretending to be an actual football club and have devoted themselves to becoming the <em>brand</em> of choice for football fans that don't really like football.</p><p></p><h2>QUOTE OF THE DAY No2</h2><p></p><p>"It's like me catching my wife having an affair, isn't it? I might forgive her, but it will still be in the back of my mind. And if she does it again, then that's the end because we're getting divorced" - Port Vale manager Micky Adams explains that troubled midfielder Gary Roberts, who has just returned from a club suspension, is on his final final warning by using the kind of analogy that may well result in Mrs Adams imposing a suspension of her own.</p><p></p><h2>DOUBLE YOUR MONEY WITH BLUE SQUARE!</h2><p></p><p><a href="http://bit.ly/elKwyX" title="">Open an account with online bookies Blue Square, placing a bet of at least £5 and they'll give you a free £10 bet, win or lose! (Terms Apply) Register now.</a></p><p></p><h2>FIVER LETTERS</h2><p></p><p>"I sympathise with big-boned former Brazilian superstar Ronaldo and his assertion that pleasuring himself is more tiring than doing It with somebody else (yesterday's Quote of the Day). I too found my internet connection infuriatingly slow when living in Brazil" - Murat Ozan.</p><p></p><p>"If Ronaldo thinks $ex is less tiring than whacking his Johnson, might I suggest he's not doing one or both of them properly?" - Aidan Thomas.</p><p></p><p>"Re: Blind squirrels finding the occasional nut, blind hens pecking the odd bit of corn and stopped clocks being right once, twice or three times a day (Fivers passim). If the hen in the illustration in yesterday's Fiver is, as you claim in your, erm, disclaimer, not actually visually impaired, why is she pecking at what can only be described as an absence of corn? Well, obviously, it cannot 'only' be described as that, it could be described as many things in many ways, but this does not change the fact that there is a total lack of anything corny" - Keith Lambourne.</p><p></p><p>"Re: Supporters group the Yellow Order urging Watford and Peterborough fans protesting against the introduction of the Premier League's Elite Player Performance Plan by arriving at a match they were going to anyway, except five minutes after kick-off. Has the Fiver ever been to Vicarage Road? The atmosphere will be exactly the same before and after they arrive, so I doubt anyone will notice" - Paul Hilliard.</p><p> </p><p>"Fiver readers would be very foolish to part with even 0000000001p for a DVD of Stan Kroenke's speech to the Arsenal AGM yesterday. A clip of said speech is currently available for free on the Arsenal website (also featuring Ivan Gazidis and Arsene Wenger). Don't forget to set your alarm to wake yourself up after 3min 28sec" - Ian France.</p><p> </p><p>Send your letters to <a href="mailto:" title="">the.boss@guardian.co.uk</a>. And if you've nothing better to do you can also <a href="http://twitter.com/TheFiver" title="">tweet the Fiver</a>.</p><p></p><h2>BITS AND BOBS</h2><p></p><p>Luis Suarez could miss Liverpool's Premier League clash with West Brom at The Hawthorns after limping out of his side's midweek Carling Cup win over Stoke RFC with ankle-knack</p><p></p><p>Sunderland defender Titus Bramble, 30, has been charged with two counts of $exual assault and urinating in a public place, and will appear at Teesside Magistrates' Court on 10th November.</p><p></p><p>Manchester City boss Roberto Mancini has confirmed that Kolo Toure is to face an internal disciplinary hearing over his slimming pill-knack.</p><p></p><p>The administrators of League Two churchmice Plymouth have agreed a deal with James Brent's Akkeron Group for the purchase of the club, which means that after almost eight months in administration, the League Two side may finally get the all clear from its financial knack.</p><p></p><p>Giovanni O'Trap has included Shane O'Long in the Republic O'Ireland 27-man squad for next month's Euro 2012 play-off against Estonia, despite the knee-knack suffered by the striker at the hands of Aston Villa's Huttonator: O'Given (Villa), O'Westwood (Sunderland), O'Forde (Millwall), O'O'Shea (Sunderland), O'Kelly (Fulham), O'Ward (Wolves), O'Dunne (Villa), O'St Ledger (Leicester), O'O'Dea (Dirty Leeds), O'McShane (Hull), O'Whelan (Stoke), O'McCarthy (Plucky Little Wigan), O'Coleman (Everton), O'Fiver (Fiver Towers), O'Andrews (Ipswich), O'Fahey (Birmingham), O'Gibson (Man Utd), O'Keogh (Dirty Leeds), O'Duff (Fulham), O'McGeady (Spartak Moscow), O'Hunt (Wolves), O'Lawrence (Portsmouth), O'Keane (LA Galaxy), O'Doyle (Wolves), O'Long (West Brom), O'Cox (West Brom), O'Walters (Stoke).</p><p></p><p>And Tottenham Hotspur manager 'Arry Redknapp has reiterated that he would like to sign Carlos Tevez from Manchester City, but has admitted that Spurs couldn't afford him really. "We couldn't afford him really," he sighed.</p><p></p><h2>STILL WANT MORE?</h2><p></p><p>Scott Murray knows so much about TV themes that, if you sliced open his heid, a little man would be playing a jaunty xylophone trill inside. Here he sets a new world hyperlink record in <a href="http://bit.ly/uJByWt" title="">The Joy of Six: sporting theme tunes</a>.</p><p></p><p>By rights the format – a fiercely charismatic bald man leering at some European newspapers while some cake bystands innocently – shouldn't really work. <a href="http://bit.ly/txBzGX" title="">But by heaven it does</a>.</p><p></p><p><a href="http://bit.ly/uQ8etM" title="">A Wayne Rooney in the bush is worth two on the pitch</a>, reckons Harry Pearson</p><p></p><p>In his weekly Scottish fitba <em>blawwwwwwwwg</em>, Ewan Murray wonders who will blink first: <a href="http://bit.ly/sZlLAK" title="">Rangers or the BBC</a>.</p><p></p><h2>SIGN UP TO THE FIVER</h2><p></p><p>Want your very own copy of our free tea-timely(ish) email sent direct to your inbox? Has your regular copy stopped arriving? <a href="http://www.guardian.co.uk/football/signup/2010/mar/30/1?CMP=twt_gu" title="">Click here to sign up</a>.</p><p></p><h2>THIS AFTERNOON, ONCE HIS WIFE HAD LEFT THE HOUSE, IAIN McINTOSH <a href="http://twitter.com/#!/iainmacintosh" title="">ACTUALLY PUT ON A SUIT</a> TO CONTEST A FOOTBALL MANAGER 2012 FINAL</h2><div class="author"><a href="http://www.guardian.co.uk/profile/scottmurray">Scott Murray</a></div><br/><div class="terms"><a href="http://www.guardian.co.uk">guardian.co.uk</a> © 2011 Guardian News and Media Limited or its affiliated companies. All rights reserved. | Use of this content is subject to our <a href="http://users.guardian.co.uk/help/article/0,,933909,00.html">Terms & Conditions</a> | <a href="http://www.guardian.co.uk/help/feeds">More Feeds</a></div><p style="clear:both" />
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